|
In the following text, you will find some guidelines that the Jewish law laid down to lead mourners through the complex maze of uncertainties and ambivalence that attend the tragic moment. For full guideline of Jewish tradition, please, consult your Rabbi…
The stages of Mourning
The Jewish religion provides a beautifully structured approach to mourning which is divided into a few stages:
- Aninut - the period of time between death and burial
- Funeral.
- Shiva - the first seven days after funeral.
- Shloshim - first thirty days after the funeral (included the period of Shiva).
- The first year after the death.
- Yahrzeit - the annual anniversary of the death of a person.
What is the meaning of "Aninut"?
Aninut - is the period between death and burial when despair is most intense. At this time, not only the social amenities, but even major positive religious requirements are canceled in recognition of the mourner's troubled mind.
Are there any special requirements of an "Onen"?
From the time of death until the burial, the mourner is considered an Onen and is relieved of many of the normal obligations incumbent upon an individual. The main obligation of an Onen is to arrange for the proper Jewish burial of the deceased.
Since Tradition teaches us that we don't offer words of consolation to Onen until after the burial, this provides the first opportunity to express the Traditional words of comfort, "May you be comforted among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem."
What is the meaning of "Avelut"?
Avelut means "mourning" and refers to the 12-month period observed only by people who have lost a parent.
Autopsies
Autopsies in general are discouraged as desecration of the body. They are permitted, however, where it may save a life or where local law requires it. When autopsies must be performed, they should be minimally intrusive.
K'riah
Prior to or after the services, the mourners perform the ritual of K'riah, the rending of the garment. This ancient custom is symbolic of the tear that's in the mourner's heart.
For a mother or father, the left side of the shirt is ripped because it is considered a deeper loss for the parents who brought the deceased into the world and are considered closest to you in feelings. For other family members, the right side of the shirt is torn.
Today, many people use a black ribbon that is attached to the outside of the clothing. When people see the ribbon or the tear in the clothing, it is a sign that that person is a mourner.
To the top
FUNERAL
Jewish law requires the funeral to takes place immediate after the death.
Shomer
Immediately following a death, the deceased should not, according to Tradition, be left unattended. A Shomer, or "watchman," stays with the deceased from the time of death until the funeral and burial. It is appropriate for members of the family to stay with the deceased and the custom in many communities is for the family to provide the Shomer.
What is the meaning of "Taharah"?
The Taharah must be performing before the funeral. Taharah means purification - a ritually bathing the deceased.
Dressing (Tachrichim)
By Jewish law the deceased should be dress in Tachrichim, shrouds, the Traditional burial garments. Usually it made of white, pure linen, the Tachrichim symbolize that we are all equal in death. The simple white garment without pockets is physical proof that we take nothing with us when we leave this world and that G-d judges us on our merits and deeds, not the material wealth we may have accumulated.
What kind of casket must be used?
Tradition calls for a simple wooden casket, made without metal parts. Traditional caskets are ranging from an unfinished pine to a solid plank walnut.
Cremation
Cremation is never permitted. The deceased must be interred, bodily, in the earth. It is forbidden - in any and every circumstance - to reduce the dead to ash in a crematorium. It is an offensive act, for it does violence to the spirit and letter of Jewish law.
What if cremation was a last will of the deceased?
The last will of the deceased is a sacred vow for those to whom it was addressed. But, as an answer to that question the Jewish law states clearly: even if a cremation was a last will of the deceased, the G-d's will presided it.
Viewing the deceased
Viewing the deceased is not a Jewish custom, and tradition teaches us that it is disrespectful to look at a person who can not look back. Therefore, a traditional funeral would be one in which the casket is kept closed and there is no viewing, except for purposes of identification by the family, if they so desire.
What could be inscribed on the tombstone?
In most cases, it is very straightforward Hebrew text:
- The person's full name in Hebrew
- The dates of birth and death according Jewish calendar.
Jewish law requires that a tombstone be prepared, so that the deceased will not be forgotten and the grave will not be desecrated similar to what you might see on a tombstone in English. Also Jewish law forbids from having a pictures of the deceived on the tombstone.
To the top
SHIVA
The Jewish faith has many meaningful traditions that help mourners and survivors when a death occurs. According to Rabbi Maurice Lamm:
"Judaism is a faith that embraces all of life, and death is a part of life. As this faith leads us through moments of joy, so does it guide us through the terrible moments of grief, holding us firm through the complex emotions of mourning and bidding us turns our gaze from the night of darkness to the daylight of life."
What is the meaning of "Shiva"?
Shiva means seven and is the period of mourning immediately following the burial. Tradition is that the day of burial counts as the first day of Shiva, which continues for seven days.
Where is Shiva held?
During Shiva, mourners remain at home and the Jewish community comes and offers comfort to them. The only time a mourner is supposed to leave the home is on Shabbat to attend services in the Synagogue.
Who should observe Shiva?
Jewish law requires that Shiva must be observed by close relatives such as: the spouse, parent, sibling or child of the deceased.
How to perform Shiva?
It is necessary to perform a ritual of washing hand after returning from cemetery. It should be done by relatives as well as by friends in front of the house. For that purposed a pitcher of water and a basin should be brought outside.
In the house one of the close relatives light up the candle Shiva, this should be burning for seven days. The candle could be obtained from Funeral Home.
Low stools and covering mirrors
It is customary, as symbols of mourning, in the Shiva home:
- For the mourners to be provided with lower chairs on which to sit (symbolic of their suffering at this time).
- The mirrors to be covered (so that mourners don't feel compelled to concern themselves with vanity).
What is the meaning of "Seudat Hawra'ah"?
One of the oldest, most important and meaningful traditions the Jewish people have is that upon returning to the house of mourning following the burial, the community provides the first meal. Eggs or bagels are traditionally served to symbolize the continuity of life. This meal of condolence, called the Seudat Hawra'ah was begun in recognition that if left to the mourners' own wills; they may not eat and would then become ill.
Today we know that when we are grieving our resistance is lower and we are more susceptible to sickness. Another reason for the community to provide the first meal is to set the tone for the period of Shiva. The mourners are not to be "hosting" a party, nor are they to be concerned with taking care of other people's needs.
Can alcohol be served during Seudat Hawra'ah?
Wine and other alcohol drinks can be served, but must be limited. Drinking is not a right way to easy grief of the loss.
What can friends bring into the home where Shiva is being held?
It is customary to bring food, such as uncut fruit or bakery goods from a kosher bakery or store; this ensures that the mourners do not have to cook meals for themselves. These meals should not be brought in ostentatious platters and baskets; the purpose of the meals is to help the mourners, not to demonstrate the comforters' wealth.
What is the meaning of "Nichum Avelim"?
Nichum Avelim is a Hebrew term meaning "comforting mourners," and refers in part to the Mitzvah of visiting the house of mourning during the Shivah period.
When can condolence calls and visits be made?
Condolence calls or visits should not be made before funeral. During the week of Shiva, any family member and friends can come to comfort the mourners, regardless of their religious beliefs.
How to perform a condolence visit?
During the entire Shiva period mourners are encouraged to stay away from work or school to remain at home, and to contemplate the meaning of life and the manner in which adjustment will be made to the death of the beloved.
Close friends of the bereaving family if possible should visit the family's home to offer sympathy and assistance - this is sometimes referred to as a condolence visit. It may include helping with food preparation and child care.
One who has come to comfort a mourner should not greet the mourners. In fact, it is best to come in silently and sit down close to them. Take your cue from the mourners. If they feel like speaking, let them indicate it to you by speaking first. Then you can talk to them, but what about? Let them lead and talk about what they want to talk about. It is best to speak about the one who has passed away, and if you have any stories or memories to share with the mourner, this is the time to do so.
People visiting a house of mourning should not expect to be served or even offered food by any of the mourners, who thus would be acting in the inappropriate role of hosts at a social gathering. It is proper for relatives and friends to attend to the needs of the mourner and the household.
The very fact that you have come to the house of mourning is an act of respect and comfort. One should not feel compelled to maintain a constant flow of conversation. The most appropriate topic of conversation is the deceased, and his or her life. A visit should not be unduly long, and is not the time for general socializing.
Remember that speaking about the loved one they lost is comforting. It's alright if they cry; they are in mourning. It is all part of the important process of coming to grips with such a loss.
Can gifts or flowers be brought?
Cut flowers are not part of Jewish tradition, and are strongly discouraged because in a few days time they will wither, providing a painful symbol of the family's loss. And gifts are not appropriate. Except for food it is not customary to bring anything with you to the house of mourning. Again, your presence is the main thing. Friends and associates of the deceased who wish to show some concrete expression of condolence should be encouraged to contribute to a charity of importance to the deceased.
What if one cannot be physically present during Shiva?
It is proper and comforting to write a card or note if you cannot be present. Also, you can express your condolences over the phone.
Additional customs and restrictions during Shiva
The Shiva period is divided into two parts:
- The first three days, considered the period of most intensive mourning.
- The remaining four days.
The Jewish tradition approached to the first three days for the mourner as to most difficult ones. The deepest psychological reason lies behind this gesture and latest researches proved it.
During Shiva, one who is mourning should also refrain from the following:
- Leaving the house, except to go to Synagogue on Shabbat.
- Transacting any kind of business
- Getting a haircut (applies for the first 30 days) and shaving.
- Bathing or showering for pleasure (one can do so for cleanliness)
- Wearing make-up and anointing (with creams, perfume, etc.)
- Wearing leather shoes
- Festivities of any kind.
- Wearing new clothes
- Marital relations
- Torah study, except Torah related to mourning and grief.
Why one is's allowed to leave the house on Shabbat?
Jewish tradition forbids mourning on Shabbat and specifies that mourners are to go to the Synagogue on the Shabbat following a loved one's death because the joy of Shabbat overrides even public mourning.
Are there any other circumstances under which one's may leave the house during Shiva?
Yes. Jewish law allows those who would otherwise experience severe financial loss to return to work after three days.
Why are shaving, haircuts, and the use of cosmetics forbidden?
During Shiva, a mourner is striving to ignore his/her own physicality and vanity in order to concentrate on the reality of being a soul. The same rationale holds for shaving, haircuts, cosmetics, bathing, and the wearing of new clothes.
Why should one refrain from wearing leather shoes?
A mourner should wear either stocking feet or slippers not made of leather. This symbolizes, again, the disregard for vanity and physical comfort. In addition, since the wearing of leather shoes is associated with going out of the house, there is no need to wear them during Shiva.
Why should one abstain from sex?
During Shiva, mourners are to refrain from all pleasurable activities, sex among them. Likewise, traditional Jews will not read books for enjoyment, watch television, listen to the radio, or engage in other similar pursuits.
Why one should not study Torah?
Studying Torah brings joy into the heart of every Jews. Therefore, traditional Jews will read only those sections of the Torah which deal with grief.
Must one wear black during Shiva?
No. Wearing black is not required. Dark clothes are not mentioned in the Torah. Though some Jews in Egypt wear black for the entire year following bereavement, it is not a widespread custom in any other Jewish community.
The conclusion of Shiva
Shiva ends on the morning of the seventh day. The candle is blown out in silence. The mourners take a walk around the block, as a way of taking a first step back into the world. There are those who suggest that the soul of the deceased abides with the mourners. The soul is there to comfort the family. This first walk is for the mourners to escort the soul out of the house, indicating that they are going to be all right.
To the top
SHELOSHIM
What is meaning of "Sheloshim"?
The second period of mourning is less intense. Sheloshim means "thirty". This period includes the Shiva period plus the following twenty-three days. The mourners return to their "normal" routine and activities. However, the twenty-three days following the conclusion of Shiva are far less restrictive.
May Sheloshim be shortened by a Jewish festival?
Yes. Even as Pesach, Shavuot, Sukot, Rosh Hashanah, and Yom Kippur curtail Shiva, so do they "break" Sheloshim, except in the case of a parent. Your Rabbi can advise you as to your individual circumstances.
What are the rules during Sheloshim?
After Shiva ends, mourners may return to work. The rules for the balance of Sheloshim, however, wisely prescribe that they not immediately resume a normal daily routine. Specifically:
- Mourners continue to recite Kaddish in the presence of a Minyan three times daily. This provision requires attendance at daily services and also insures that the bereaved will be regularly in the midst of a sympathetic support group.
- Mourners do not attend parties or other festive occasions, especially if there is to be music and/or dancing. If a previously planned extended-family Simchah falls within Sheloshim, a wedding or bar Mitzvah, for example, mourners may attend the religious service but not the party. If a religious Simchah in the immediate family occurs during Sheloshim, it should not be postponed, but any music should be canceled.
- Mourners do not go to the movies, sporting events, or purely social gatherings. As these are forms of entertainment, they are prohibited during Sheloshim.
Some follow the custom of not visiting the grave until after Sheloshim, others after the Shiva period.
What happens after Sheloshim?
Sheloshim concludes the traditional mourning period for all loved ones, except for parents. In Jewish tradition, mourning for a parent requires an observance of this pattern of restraint for the entire year of mourning. Certainly it should be rigorously maintained for the period of Sheloshim and, thereafter, an individual decision should be made as to when to return to normal practice.
To the top
MINYAN and KADISH
What is the meaning of "Minyan"?
A Minyan - is traditionally a quorum of ten or more adult male (over the age of Bar Mitzvah) for the purpose of communal prayer.
What is the meaning of "Kadish"?
Kaddish is an Aramaic word which means "holy" or "sanctity." Mourners first recite the Kaddish at the cemetery after the burial. The Kaddish is not a prayer about death. It is an affirmation of life and our faith in God. It reaffirms the mourner's relationship with G-d and G-d's will in this world.
How many times the Kaddish must be recite?
Jewish law requires mourners to recite the mourner's Kaddish three times each day - morning, afternoon, and evening - during Shivah. Since a Minyan of ten adult male Jews is required in order to say the mourner's Kaddish, and since mourners are not allowed to leave the home except on Shabbat, friends and family come to the home, to enable the bereaved to fulfill this Mitzvah.
For whom the Kaddish must be reciting?
By Jewish law the Kaddish is recited for parents. A person may say Kaddish not only for parents, but also for a child, brother, or in-law. An adopted son should say it for adoptive parents who raised him.
Who is permitted to recite Kaddish?
Usually, Kadish is recited by sons. Sons are required to say Kaddish for eleven months after the death of a parent. The one who says Kaddish always stands. A child under the age of thirteen may say the Mourner's Kaddish if he has lost one of his parents. Most religious authorities allow a daughter to say Kaddish, although she is under no religious obligation to do so. If the family doesn't have son they must ask for help from other family's members or Synagogue.
Why is Kaddish recited for only 11 months?
According to Jewish tradition, the soul must spend some time purifying itself before it can enter the World to Come. The maximum time required for purification is 12 months, for the most evil person. To recite Kaddish for 12 months would imply that the parent was the type who needed 12 months of purification! To avoid this implication, the Sages decreed that a son should recite Kaddish for only eleven months.
To the top
YAHRZEIT and YIZKOR
What is the meaning of "Yahrzeit"?
The annual anniversary of the death of a person is called the Yahrzeit and is traditionally observed based on the Hebrew calendar. The Yahrzeit is observed by lighting a twenty-four hour candle the evening before the day of the Yahrzeit, and most people recite the Kaddish and take a few moments of introspection and thought. It is customary for mourners to attend Synagogue beginning with the evening (Ma'ariv) service the night before, followed by the morning service and concluding with the (Mincha) afternoon service. Most congregations recite the name of the deceased who's Yahrzeit is being observed during the Shabbat services closest to the date.
The observation of the Yahrzeit's date
Yahrzeit is observed on each anniversary of the day of death according to the Hebrew Calendar. One who is not certain of the relatives' Yahrzeit date should consult Rabbi or Synagogue.
What is the meaning of "Yizkor"?
Yizkor means "remember" and refers to the memorial services held on Yom Kippur, at the end of Sukkot, Passover and Shavuot. Communal and individual prayers of memory are read. The central prayer begins with Yizkor Elohim, "May God remembers" the souls of the deceased. Yizkor services are attended by anyone who has lost a parent, child, sibling, or spouse. The sermons remind us of all of the attributes, faith, character, piety of the deceased as a model for living for the survivors.
To the top
|
